it seems to be the pattern now that I only blog when something is up...oh well its nice to be able to get stuff off my chest.

'Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart'. (Psalm 37:4)


'He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them' (Psalm 145:19

but when,when does he do it??!! I'm not angry with the situation i find myself in just I'm getting impatient,I know this is wrong...BUT I AM ONLY HUMAN!!!!! is it posible that im bein tricked and the actul desires of my heart are hidden so deep down and these ones tht i think are my desires are just ones i'm being tricked into to thinking........................ggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrr i dont know!

im sory thi is a bit of a ramble but anyways.........................

x x x

When Life hands you an Onion....what the heck....break down and cry!

'Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.' phillippians 6v4

How do you explain that to non-Christians?especially when times are at there worse? Life is at its toughest its been for a while now,but more then ever before I have complete confidence and belief in this verse and in fact,all of God's promises to me.I wish I could be certain that everyone who I love and care for knew about this promise to them.I wish i could tell them that although things seem at there worse now,they are certainly going to get better because our Lord God as said it will be so.

How can I reassure them without coming across as just another God botherer ,or appearing un-sensitive? I know these problems are supposed to make us stronger and that it is all part of God's plan but sometimes it kinda feels that I (and my family) have become God's personal joke.I guess this might of been a bit how Job felt when he was the brunt of everything.Now,don't get me wrong i'm not comparing my situation in any way to Job,and i pray that I will never know that much physical suffering,but...well you know what i mean.I can really understand where the guy who wrote psalm 73 was coming from when he talks about 'coming close to the cliff' and how sometimes we feel a thousand miles from the shelter of the Lord.

No,can't think lie that have to remember the verse from phillippians! think this will have to be my mantra for a while....

Take 2

Well I'm back,so ok most of you knoew tht already! for those who dont know i have technically been back since the 1st of september,when believe it or not Liverpool and studentdom actually resembled a ghost town! (apart from the dedicated medics!) Parents and and Nan came to help me move in and that was great but it meant that when everyone left it was pretty quiet.

The following days were spent watching to much daytime tv then is healthy for someone and going around collecting as many application forms as possible in the great job hunt I decided to bail like i was on the Titanic and decided to go back to Brighton.Now,I dont why but this time when I came to LIverpool I was soooooooooooooooo homesick,tears and everything.Its silly now i think about it and it confirms what a loser I am but it just ached how much I missed home!!!!

that was a week ago and i came back to Liverpool yesterday and so far its ok this time.I was so glad to see evryone aswell,I missed my frineds som much!!!!The house is full now,everything has started again and uni is coming to life-I really want to get back into some work and do it properly this time round.Its good to be back (2nd time round)

well just a brief one this time to make sure everyone knows im stiil here................................
x x x



P.S. Facebook.com!!!!!!!

Chalk,Cheese and genes

I'm sure many have heard me say on many occasions that my sister and I are less then friendly and that if at all popssible we try to avoid each other.When one is home for 3 months this is easier said then done.

I don't ever remember being close to my sister,5 years elder, we never played together as children,were never at the same school at the same time as each other and our parents never encouraged us to have the same hobbies and intrests.Part of the reasons for these differences is down to the circumstances in which we have lived.When my parents divorced she was 10 years old and quite obviously remembers everything,what life was like not having to want for anything and being able to have whatever she wanted.This was worsened by the fact that she was most certainly a Daddy's girl.Lucky for me I was never that (my real Dad never wanted 2 children) and I don't remember anything about our more wealthy past.

Things really changed when my sister was taken out of the private school she was at because our father refused to pay the fees and there was no hope that my mum would be able to pay.With this she was quickly put into the secondary school that I would later go to.This was a shock, as i'm sure I have mentioned that this is not one of the nicest schools ever-this reflected and my sister went from a good hard working student to another casualty of an under funded comprehensive.

Now, at one point my sister was one of the up and coming stars of Great British diving she would spend hours and hours training and it was the one thing that gave her some form of structure and point to her life.Like all else this came to an abrupt end when she suffered an injury while at the trials for the Great Britain olympics team which would go to the Atlanta olympics which ended her diving career.The final nail in the coffin.

After this she intensified her relationship with her life-guard boyfriend and did less then amazing in her GCSE's after doing retakes at a college she then went to another college and did a HND in sports science and coaching,which she quit two weeks before graduating because her and her boyfriend were going through a tough spot.They were in loads of debt and had to nearly bankcrupt my mum and step dad to get her out of it-living outside her means is still a hobby for her! (I think it comes from being spoiled as a child!)

Anyways while this was al going on and as we got older rather then clubbing together thought the bad times we grew further and further apart and she developed and strong resentment for me thinking that she had some how been hard done by and that we were treated diffreently and she was frowned upon etc etc.In our family your taught from an early age that you have to work hard to get something and if you don't succeed it is no one's fault but your own,with Anna it is always someone elses fault,usually mine.

So,she ends up working in tele sales and does quite well,yet still remains in debt (a big bone of contention for her and one that raises constant arguments between everyone in the family).Just recently she just got a new job,still in the same company but in coparate buying-where she getes a company credit card and phone and where she must have a car! (aparently).She needs one so she goes out and buys one.Now dont get me wrong I'm happy for her that things are finaly starting to work out,but it is hard when by my family's philosophy she deffinitly does not deserve it.

Many of you probably think this is really petty but are relationship is turning into hatred every part of who I am she attacks.What scares me is that I have no real emotions to her other then indifference.Now of course I pray for her slavation and that she will lern of Gods wonders and I also know that once she knows this she will be rid of all the hurt,hate and resentment that is in her heart,but its so hard and I know that when I am home her attitude rubs off on me and i adopt a tough shell so that she can not hurt me and my toungue becomes sharp.IT IS SO HARD! and is the one part of coming home I do not enjoy.Please pray for her!

sorry for the long post but I can not voice this at home as it causes more arguments!
Miss and love you all!
x x x

...And in the end...

picture the scene; I'm cruising down the motorway at the legal 70 mph [give or take 10-15 mph ;)] rocking out to Colin andEdith on radio 1 and i'm just about aproach the top of the M25,1 hr from home! then the car makes a very strange sound and well gives up the will to live. I left Liverpool at 12:3 p.m. and I got home at.... 9:45 p.m. Apart from the fact that my dear little car has decided to die on me resulting in me being held hostage!!!! independance...gone....ahhahahahahah.

Well that is probbaly an over exaggereation but you know me always the drama queen :).On a more serious note I'm missing everyone loads!!!! Some I'm missing more then others (you know who you are!) and I'm still adjusting to the fact that it won't be 3 1/2 months until I see you again.Did I say that Brighton is a great place to come for a long weekend! lol.

So thats it for now prepearing for my Nan's 70th birthday party tomorrow so im gonna go!

Love you all!!!!!! keep in touch!!!!!Love you all!!!!!!

Stompin' at the Savoy

Blue skies,white fluffy clouds,a strong westerly blowing at about 15mph...April and indeed spring really shows off Brighton at its best,sandwiched between the beauty of the south downs and rolling hills to the north and the expanse that is the English Channel to the South (at this time of year the sea reflects the colour of the sky, which at this point in time is a deep turquoise and the sun tends to glisten on the water as the waves catch the light).If you go down to the quiter parts of the beach out of town you can hear the unique sound that only pebel beaches make as the thousands of smooth stones get racked back and forth on the shore line by the current as the tides make their way up and down the beach over the course of 24 hrs.As I'm sat here writing this I'm listening to track after track of songs I've not listened to in a long long time each with many fond memories attached...Ella Fitzgerald singing 'Stompin' at the Savoy' and 'Don't get around much anymore', Fred Astaire 'Dancing Cheek to cheek' and Glen Miller and his Orchestra with 'Moonlight Seranade' and any number of Django Reinhart tracks (I remember the firswt time I ever heard some of his stuff-it was at the Lewes guitar festival) I think back to learning to play these songs on the clarinet,listening to a mix tape my clarinet teacher had made for me when I was about 10 years old of all these 'standards' and how I would sit and listen and just longed to be able to play these songs all day long...the ultimate escape.Thats one of the joys of being young,you have the chance to escape from things you don't want to face,they don't have to bother you because,well your too young and someone else will sort them out for you! Shame there is no such luck when you are an adult,the only concelation is that we don' have to face anything alone as God is always on our side.There was potentially so many things I was going to have to face coming home,but God has been good and they have not troubled me so now I know that they are done and dusted and that I do not have to fear them anymore-the people envolved have made their dicisions quite clear,sometimes actions speak louder then words! So,so far so good i feel a million miles away from where I am in Liverpool but physically and mentally but I think that is a good thing.Now all I need to do is work out which one is the twighlight zone and which is reality?

*Insert title here!*

Over the last couple of weeks things have been strange,not in a bad way probably in a really good way.....Some things have become clear e.g. I am sort of definitely sure this is where I am supposed to be and although I miss 'home' so so so much I'm not gonna give up and go away.Also with the 1st semester exam results I now know for sure that I have made the right decision about doing music instead of media studies or something equally useless as that,Which is a big hahaha to some of my tutors at college or thought I had made the wrong decision!

Also,just recently I have just had this complete yearning to just read and study the Bible and just completly absorb Gods word.I realized this when I was doing my one to one with Naomi (from church) and a little voice inside of me sort of went "...I could so just stay here all day and talk about and learn from this..." Even when she gave me loads of 'homework' to do I didn't mind even though it meant reading loads of stuff! Also at the moment I am just taking every opportunity to go to seminars and talks etc.Take for example,this Saturday there is a music ministry seminar type thing near Preston,the other day Naomi just asked me if I wanted to go..Now usually I would make up some sort of excuse like "oh I have got quite a bit of work to do.." or "I dont think I will learn much from it" etc (I know it sounds kinda lame but stick with me) but instead before I had had a chance to say no I had already said Yes,even though it does involve being on the road by 8:00 am on a Saturday!

I know all of this stuff sounds probably not that interesting but, to me its amazing! I have never before been this involved in my faith...And I'm busy with it and it feels amazing...kinda like the more you put into it the more you get out of it.I'm playing in the band regularly in CU and at Church ,which I have never done before and I LOVE IT! being able to serve God through doing the one thing I most love is just so satisfying and amazing and like I have said before I would quite happily play in both every week.What is even more satisfying about it is that I am being challenged and called to think about even the act of worship and why we do it...This was started from the seminar Maurice ran at church a couple of weeks (I'm not going to talk about that yet becasue this is a positive blog which is plenty long enough already!)

ALSO...........How amazing is God? he amazes me more and more....when I least deserve it he blesses me,when I'm in trouble he comes and sorts me out and even when it looks like there is absolutly no point in trying to sort things out he sorts out the problems?! Like since September I have been looking for a job with absolutley no sucess...obviously the jobs were wrong or the time was wrong because I had no results.Then last Thursday I randomly send my CV off to a person who had advirtised on the Uni careeres website,about 1/2 an hour later the lady phones me up asks to go and see her on the following monday,I do, and now I'm just waiting for some work! She also said she will keep on the books indeffintily,so potentially work for the course of my degree! Another thing for absolutly ages (maybe 10-11 yrs) my paretns didn't sttle to a church,we go to one for a bit and then stop and then we'd go to another one,we find a really good one but then would have to leave and in the end they just kinda gave up I think...then i go off to uni and they start going to a house a group and then they starting going to church every week on a Sunday morning! thats weird when we had spates of going to church we would only ever go inthe evening! God is so amazing but a complete riddle!! but praise Him for how just complelty awesome He is!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

well thats that--keep tuned for the thoughtfull Blog this was just the "ahhh how amaaaazing" blog!

Love you all!
Nicola x x x